If you don't mind me blabbering a bit, I'd like to gather my thoughts so I can remind myself why I started the massive project in the first place.
I hope to write a novel someday and this is why it began.
I was homeschooled for the entire duration of my education. I didn't mind that; but the organization my parents chose was legalistic. Very legalistic. I couldn't wear pants, watch TV, have certain friends, go to the movies, and at one point I even wore a head covering. Home-school was all Christian based and my parents chose a specific organization hoping to raise Godly children. I don't hold that against them, they were new Christians and new at parenting. They made a decision based on what little they knew; but they chose the wrong person to listen to: Mr. Gothard and his organization, ATI.
Always take what you learn from other men with a grain of salt.
My family pretended to be prefect with all our great rules, but on the inside I saw no evidence of change. I felt angry at my parents and God for their hypocrisy and judgmental attitudes. I couldn't leave home, so instead I rejected the Lord at around 13 and became involved in witchcraft. It didn't take me long to realize what a horrible decision that was.
I became suicidal and confused about myself and I had horrible nightmares and visions. The Lord found me at 16 and I repented - surrendering my life to the Lord. I met a boy, fell in love, that didn't work out, so when I had nothing left I decided to go into ministry.
I chose to go with the organization my parents brought me up in: ATI, Bill Gothard ministries. I chose to go to Chicago and I loved it. I loved C h i c a g o!
Since the ministry was so legalistic, I felt judged. I began not to care what others thought of me in a bitter way. While in Chicago, I chose to hang out with another girl and we spent most of our time with some guys off campus. We kept it kosher - just friends, but this was still against the rules. We ended up getting caught and Mr. Gothard punished us all by sending us to different places.
I didn't want to go home. I didn't have a future there and I was still healing from painful memories, so I felt I had no other choice but to make things right with Mr. Gothard and go wherever he sent me. He sent me to Indianapolis to one of his training centers there. It was a hotel converted into a prison.
I thought my life had been constrained in Chicago - boy, was I in for a rude awakening. I had no idea how tight my freedom could become. My outfits were critiqued, any word spoken to a young man was forbidden, I had to speak quieter, head down, no music, no tv, no way to leave the building (except for church, of course), I could only talk to my family once a week in the lobby, my friendships were controlled, and even my underwear was critiqued. My first week there I was made to watch seminar teaching videos, clean, and stay in my room. I spent most of my free time crying that first week. Finally, I made up my mind that I would obey the severity of their rules; because all I wanted was to go back to Chicago and I'd do whatever they wanted in order to achieve that goal. I decided to obey and conform to their ideals of Christianity - at least on the outside.
What was supposed to only be 2 months turned into an entire year at ITC.
Needless to say, when I left I almost went mad. I chose to return home and since my environment had been so sheltered, the real world was shocking. I spent most of my time in my room, because I didn't know what else to do. ITC hadn't prepared me to be a Christian. The "Christian" foundation they gave me were the lies they needed to control me with. That legalistic teaching turned to ash when I had to look the world in the face. My choices were to either splurge in the lasciviousness of the world or hide from it. I chose to hide. Some of my closest friends chose otherwise.
Seven years later...
I am married and have a beautiful daughter. I actually married one of the boys I used to hang out with in Chicago, David Posadny. I struggled with anger the first few years of my marriage, because I was a little older now and realized exactly what I'd been put through. The truth began to sink in, everything I'd suppressed those few years: I had live in a cult for most of my life... but now what?
I eventually forgave Mr. Gothard and felt some relief, but the scars were still there. I erased everything I'd been taught and relearned the Bible - the only truth I could cling to. But my friends were still lost and my mind was still trying to fix everything.
And that's why I started writing my book.
Now I am trying to turn my story into a fiction to help myself understand everything I went through... and the story is so close to my heart that I become lost in it. It's frustrating trying to put all the pieces together into my character's world and her surroundings. Her story is similar, but different.
This is simply a friendly reminded to myself that you can't give up on this project. If you've come this far, you need to finish it through.
-Eileen
