"It's Like In The Great Stories..."

I love stories; correction, I love great stories. Epic adventures that make you change your philosophies, hand the reader a pearl of wisdom, or turn your ideals on love. I love when the plot thickens and I hear myself thinking, "I never saw it that way before." A light bulb clicks in my head and will change my perception forever.

But most of all, I love when stories give me the endurance I need to continue on in the challenges I face day after day; because every human on earth shares one common conflict: that life isn't easy. 

I am twenty-six years old and even though I'm younger, I have seen my friends and other people who gave up when life became too hard. I have my own testimonies of giving up (some of my biggest regrets stem from those decisions). When things look bleakest, the answer of the world is, "Do whatever makes you feel happy." - "Whatever makes you feel good." - "Whatever you deserve."

Whatever makes you happy...

Not that this is always the wrong answer, but I do believe this answer has made our generation make some selfish decisions. From these decisions, a domino effect has cascaded and trampled over the innocent. Allow me to explain:

Divorce: "Things didn't work out the way we wanted them to. We just aren't happy and we can't live like this forever. It's better off for us to be separated. We both deserve to be happy."  

Abortion: "I'm not ready for this commitment. This was an accident. This baby is better off without living in this world or me raising it. I would never make an adequate mother. This is my decision. This baby would hold me back. I deserve to be happy."

Faith: "This isn't what I expected. I expected more from God. This isn't the life I signed up for. I don't know if He even exists anymore. Is he a loving God or full of hate? Too many rules, too many things I don't understand. I don't even think I want to understand it all. It's better just to ignore it and enjoy this life I'm living - the way I want to live it. God will get on just fine without me, I deserve more from life anyway. God will just hold me back from being happy."

Hate/Love: "I don't know if I can forgive them. I can't even think what to say to this person - it's just a waste of my time. They don't listen anyway. They'll forget, life will move on. I don't know if I even love them anymore, in fact, I hate them. I know I do. I wish they were dead. I deserve better then this."

We all are searching to fill an emptiness to our own happiness. We each have a disillusion that life is going to be perfectly happy - but it's not. If we faced our challenges, our stories have the potential to be great!


Do we ever think in the moment, "How will this choice affect those around me?" 
We are so focused on ourselves, we trample on other people. We give up and in a sense we give up on them too.

No one likes the stories where the protagonist gives up and looses everything. I don't imagine readers would be satisfied if the ending of any book read, "I tried, it didn't work out. Oh well, life goes on." 

Did we try?
Did we really try? 
Did we push aside our own feelings to focus on the needs of others?
Did we walk away from the challenge, when our endurance would have reaped a greater reward?

The stories I love the most are the ones that remind me to never give up. That even though the moment may feel bleak, tomorrow is coming and will be different. In the GREAT stories, people fight for the right choices and don't give up when life becomes difficult. I want my life and my stories to reflect this.

One of my favorite quotes from my favorite movie/story The Lord of the Rings Trilogy:

Sam: It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too small to understand why. 

But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now.  Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.

My Thoughts on The Red Wedding

Warning: spoilers in this post.

Courtesy of Entertainment Weekly

After reading and viewing many of the thoughts on the recent Game of Thrones "Red Wedding" episode, I thought I might jot down a few of my own thoughts on the mind-boggling Stark massacre.

First off, I am a huge fan of Game of Thrones, because I love the way George R.R. Martin has a way of making me believe the story will go one way and completely steering me in a different direction. Few writers have this kind of courage and creativity. And yes, I say courage. As a writer, you have to develop these characters that become alive to you; if not, they lack the life that readers crave. Readers and viewers want to know the habits, desires, motivations, goals, physical features, and love interests of the characters in the stories. They want to know e v e r y t h i n g about that person, like a juicy piece of fruit only they (as the reader) can bite into. Writers become obsessed about these fictional people to create them, and in the process, we become attached to our characters.

So, to all the recent angry viewers who watch Game of Thrones, you ask, "Then why kill them?"

My viewpoint on the episode is, "Wow, I wish I had the kind of courage to let my characters go like that." I'm attached to my characters; it's hard to see them go. It's hard for me to shock the audience. As a writer, I find that many plots have already been written and original is becoming harder and harder to create; but George R.R. Martin does it with ease - or - at least he makes it look easy. As a viewer, I had a hunch something was going to happen to Jeyne, Robb's wife. The Starks were making choices based on emotion and too many mistakes had been made on Robb's account; but I had no idea a massacre was coming. To see a pregnant Jeyne stabbed without mercy in her abdomen, then to twist the knife deeper and slaughter Robb! But what did it in for me was listening to Catelyn's plea for her son's life and then her hopeless death...

Wow.

It took days for me to let that reality sink in. There's no coming back for Catelyn, who lost so much and will never find resolution. It takes bravery and a little bit of madness to write this way, but in a good way. Their deaths weren't meaningless or unnecessary, as we look back the pieces were heading in that direction. George succeeded in ripping the security blankets out from under us and making us unsure of what lies ahead; because as far as a storyteller, he just broke all the rules and is making them as he writes. I applaud that talent and hope to accomplish something similar in my own writing.

A recent interview on Conan,

Conan: You get us to really care about characters, love them, really think they're central to everything --- and then you kill them!

Goerge R. R. Martin: (chuckles) Yes, I do do that.

Conan: You have a way of completely surprising poeple; they think, as least this character is going to be around for a while. You have a way of surprising us.

Goerge R. R. Martin: I suppose you're right. I always like unexpected things and I always like the suspense to be real. We've all seen the movies where the hero is in trouble and he's surronded by twenty people, but you always know he's going to get away; because he is the hero. You don't really feel any fear for him. I want my readers and I want my viewers to be afraid when my characters are in danger. I want them to be afraid to turn the next page, because the character may not survive it.

Conan: You've achieved that.

The Ballad of the Forgotten King

By Eileen Posadny

In places where the earth doth sleep

Where ancient elms their secrets keep

A king was born from earth and water

From thence we felt no passing hour,

            For the trees gave him a name of pow’r.

           

His voice burned deep in hearts of men,

The sea was still at his command.

Beside we fought, our foes to quell,

Demons would quake at his unveil,

            For his name could shake the depths of hell.

But men’s hearts are eas’ly deceived,

Envy births forth her bitter seed,

Angels rise and angels fall,

Darkness betrayed the eyes of all,

            For His name we cursed to our downfall.

We exiled our King in turn for sin,

The age of light began to dim,

Liars spun and twisted lore

The ships of peace fled from the shore,

            His name banished forevermore.

Reflection exposed our true nature,

From thence we saw each passing hour,

We mourned our wicked deeds of past.

For whom recalls that name of pow'r?

Swiftly, watchers of the night

Ages you’ve longed for his light,

A king was born from earth and water

Reborn is he from blood and fire.

                  Let my warning thus sound dire,

For all depends upon this one thing:

You must remember the name of the King.

A Story they Won't Forget

The best way to be remembered,
Is to tell a story they won't forget.

I thought about this while fading asleep. It's aggrivating becoming brilliant with stories, poems, and words that flow effortessly through your head while trying to sleep. I don't ever have the energy to find a pen and write them all down. I'm halfway between reality whenever words come to me.

I always looks forward to my dreams. It's where I find the majority of my inspiration. I dream about silly meaningless things and some dreams that have all the meaning in the world. Some dreams I will never forget.

I look forward to stories, I don't know a person alive who doesn't. We find them in conversations, in books, in movies, in our daily routines, and so much more; stories are literally everywhere! As a writer, I have found wisdom in listening. If you're attentive, you will find gems for your writing. Even tonight, I overheard part of a story,

"The doorbell rang. I was sound asleep in bed, so I looked at my alarm clock - it was 2 o'clock in the morning. I thought I might be dreaming, but there it was again. I shakily put on a robe and went to the window, there wasn't a car in the driveway or a shadow on my porch. I began to wonder, who would be ringing my doorbell at a time like this?"

My husband said to me, "That was an interesting, wasn't it?"

"Yep," I replied. "It'd make an interesting story for a book!"

I am trying to become more alert for those gems to write in my journals or store in my head, because you never know what you'll find when you're listening.

I don't want this to sound vain, but someday, I would like to write a story they won't forget. I want to write a story like Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, or Rowling: stories that transported us to a world we wanted to be apart of. These writers have inspired me so much to be more. They will always be remembered as brilliant artists who navigated the words to worlds beyond our wildest dreams: who wouldn't want to go there? Who wouldn't want to do the same thing? Stories: the compass we hold in this life. I pray God gives me the inspiration and vision to put words on paper like that. For a story they won't forget.

Just Be

My Mother always told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I appreciate her confidence in me, I hope to pass that on to my own daughter.

However.

I do wish I didn't have a great deal of interests. I definitely believe I could do whatever I wanted to do, but where do I fit in best? What is my nitch in this life? What was I born to become?

The problem is, I am a dreamer and I have these awesome dreams - awesomely BIG dreams! Then the cycle begins:

I dream a dream!
I get excited and pursue that dream.
I tell myself, "Now, you're not to change course, you will not quit this time!"
And so I continue!
    And continue....
          and continue....       y  a  w  n

And suddenly realize, "Jeez! This isn't just any dream, this is really DIFFICULT!"
I begin to doubt, "Am I really that great at this?" ....probably not.
So out goes that dream and a new one must be born!

Because, God forbid I am ever bored.

I did this with a music career, an art career, a medical career, photography, I finally went to school for wedding consulting, but now even that dream is beginning to dim; because writing has come back with a vengeance. I'm torn. I can't have it all, can I?

Possibly.

I see this weakness in myself and I can't stand it, I despise it. To give up, to not see projects through. I am so indecisive and lost in this vertigo, "What do you want from life?" I don't know!

I don't know.

I suppose if I ponder that question, the answer is: I want to be successful. I want to be creative. I want to change minds, enlighten people. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to be remembered as a good mom and wife. I want to have great faith in my walk with Jesus Christ. I want to write, create, paint, sketch, sing, and read. I want to have it all and see my dreams through.

From beginning ---
to the end.

So when I become uneasy on rocky shores and begin to doubt if I can handle the pressure, I need to stand firm in that dream and know, "You can do this."

You can be whatever you want to be - just be.

Philippians 1:6
"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a goodwork in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

A Friendly Reminder to Myself

If you don't mind me blabbering a bit, I'd like to gather my thoughts so I can remind myself why I started the massive project in the first place.

I hope to write a novel someday and this is why it began.

I was homeschooled for the entire duration of my education. I didn't mind that; but the organization my parents chose was legalistic. Very legalistic. I couldn't wear pants, watch TV, have certain friends, go to the movies, and at one point I even wore a head covering. Home-school was all Christian based and my parents chose a specific organization hoping to raise Godly children. I don't hold that against them, they were new Christians and new at parenting. They made a decision based on what little they knew; but they chose the wrong person to listen to: Mr. Gothard and his organization, ATI.

Always take what you learn from other men with a grain of salt.

My family pretended to be prefect with all our great rules, but on the inside I saw no evidence of change. I felt angry at my parents and God for their hypocrisy and judgmental attitudes. I couldn't leave home, so instead I rejected the Lord at around 13 and became involved in witchcraft. It didn't take me long to realize what a horrible decision that was.

I became suicidal and confused about myself and I had horrible nightmares and visions. The Lord found me at 16 and I repented - surrendering my life to the Lord. I met a boy, fell in love, that didn't work out, so when I had nothing left I decided to go into ministry. 

I chose to go with the organization my parents brought me up in: ATI, Bill Gothard ministries. I chose to go to Chicago and I loved it. I loved C h i c a g o!

Since the ministry was so legalistic, I felt judged. I began not to care what others thought of me in a bitter way. While in Chicago, I chose to hang out with another girl and we spent most of our time with some guys off campus. We kept it kosher - just friends, but this was still against the rules. We ended up getting caught and Mr. Gothard punished us all by sending us to different places.

I didn't want to go home. I didn't have a future there and I was still healing from painful memories, so I felt I had no other choice but to make things right with Mr. Gothard and go wherever he sent me. He sent me to Indianapolis to one of his training centers there. It was a hotel converted into a prison.

I thought my life had been constrained in Chicago - boy, was I in for a rude awakening. I had no idea how tight my freedom could become. My outfits were critiqued, any word spoken to a young man was forbidden, I had to speak quieter, head down, no music, no tv, no way to leave the building (except for church, of course), I could only talk to my family once a week in the lobby, my friendships were controlled, and even my underwear was critiqued. My first week there I was made to watch seminar teaching videos, clean, and stay in my room. I spent most of my free time crying that first week. Finally, I made up my mind that I would obey the severity of their rules; because all I wanted was to go back to Chicago and I'd do whatever they wanted in order to achieve that goal. I decided to obey and conform to their ideals of Christianity - at least on the outside.

What was supposed to only be 2 months turned into an entire year at ITC. 

Needless to say, when I left I almost went mad. I chose to return home and since my environment had been so sheltered, the real world was shocking. I spent most of my time in my room, because I didn't know what else to do. ITC hadn't prepared me to be a Christian. The "Christian" foundation they gave me were the lies they needed to control me with. That legalistic teaching turned to ash when I had to look the world in the face. My choices were to either splurge in the lasciviousness of the world or hide from it. I chose to hide. Some of my closest friends chose otherwise.

Seven years later...

I am married and have a beautiful daughter. I actually married one of the boys I used to hang out with in Chicago, David Posadny. I struggled with anger the first few years of my marriage, because I was a little older now and realized exactly what I'd been put through. The truth began to sink in, everything I'd suppressed those few years: I had live in a cult for most of my life... but now what?

I eventually forgave Mr. Gothard and felt some relief, but the scars were still there.  I erased everything I'd been taught and relearned the Bible - the only truth I could cling to. But my friends were still lost and my mind was still trying to fix everything. 

And that's why I started writing my book.

Now I am trying to turn my story into a fiction to help myself understand everything I went through... and the story is so close to my heart that I become lost in it. It's frustrating trying to put all the pieces together into my character's world and her surroundings. Her story is similar, but different. 

This is simply a friendly reminded to myself that you can't give up on this project. If you've come this far, you need to finish it through.

-Eileen